XCV.

 I've never stood a chance, have I? Between the lame excuses for parents and the (un)lovers I chose, seeing myself as not enough except when trying to be perfect. The most lovafuckable being on Earth. Not that respected, never that loved. Not that myself, but perhaps I won't get to know who that is, she is already not.

  Perhaps that's why I've been the most flawed with him, trying to break the cycle and get some proof that I could be deeply flawed and loved, like I loved all of you. I really thought, between the things he said to me and the love I fantasized he felt, that he really could. That's also why I gave my head up and followed blindly into the tide. But despite holding on so strongly to his unworthyness and uglyness values, he has a strong sense of self worth and a ton of pride to carry him around. Not to carry someone else, even for a while. Even while they figure, violently, for him, how to carry themselves. They all had a lot of reasons, different upbringing and capacities, but none could hold me. And before him I never wanted anyone to. But that's gone.

  I don't stand a chance, do I, my love? Between your mistakes and mine, I stand ready to correct theirs, that of another unworthy lost and aching being that should never have been born, a sorry excuse for a woman.